Navigating a Social Life: Giving Your Children an Out

One of the many new endeavors my children have embarked on since moving from rural, woodsy PA to our little neighborhood in NJ, is a social life.  Before NJ, social life meant playing with your siblings and the one neighbor on our street in the back yard.  After NJ, social life meant knocks on the door every single day with offers to play at new homes, walk downtown, or go to the park.  In most ways, this new social life is fantastic.  My kids are learning to play with new children--various ages and family backgrounds--which is paramount to living life as an adult.  That's not to say our neighborhood is all that diverse, which leaves some experiences un-experienced, but it's still more exposure to other people than they had before.  

At times, this is trying.  For us, as parents who aren't used to our children having social lives, but also for the kids as they aren't used to navigating relationships other than their direct family.  Sometimes it's overwhelming for them, as the new (and popular) kids, when there are half a dozen faces at the door asking for a playmate.  I don't blame them.  I'd run and hide.  A social life has never been my forte' either, but I do want my kids to be comfortable in their skin when they are around new people, so we are trying to help them learn how to discern situations for themselves.  

One of the biggest things they are learning is that it's okay to say "no".  

Don't a lot of adults have a hard time with that one?

It's good to give your kids an "out".  We've told our older two kids again and again: You can always call home for a ride or an excuse to say no to something other kids are doing that you don't want to be involved in.  Use us as the excuse.  Do whatever you need to to get out of the situation if you are not comfortable.  So far, both of the kids have used this method.  Fortunately, not in any serious situations, but even in things such as sleepovers they don't want to attend.  We won't necessarily press them for reasons why they don't want to go, we will just trust them and say "no" for them.  My daughter once called me (secretly) from a friend's house and said she had been invited to stay over night, but she didn't want to and was that okay?  Of course!  Tell them you're not allowed.  

My oldest has recently struggled with constant knocks on the door to go outside and play.  He really likes the kids and has a blast with them, but he's like his mother and every now and then he wants to play on his own. I could see the frustration mounting on his face with each knock.  So finally I said; "Look.  It's okay for you to tell your friends that you don't want to play right now.  You don't have to run out every time they come calling.  You can decide to stay in and that's okay."  About ten minutes later, there was a knock.  But this time, he told his friends that he didn't feel like playing right now and that maybe he'd be out later.  I felt like raising the roof, but I kept quiet and just let him make his decision.  I think he felt relieved that it was so easy.

Sometimes children are afraid they will hurt their friends feelings if they say no, but it's important for kids to know that they have that right.  And that they have their parents support.  These tiny situations now will hopefully prepare them for bigger situations later when saying "no" can mean avoiding a much more serious consequence.  

Catch and Release

As a child, I was allowed to roam and explore the seven acres we owned as well as the woods and creek and fields that we didn't.  What can I say, my parents were hippies...life was about exploring and rules were more like guidelines.  One of the only rules I remember clearly was an early bedtime curfew that was followed  religiously regardless of season.  I spent many nights looking out the window over my bed, listening to the crickets begin their sundown song, and wondering why I was in bed when it was still light out.

Another rule was the "catch and release" rule.  If you've given an eight year old free reign of the natural world, then she's sure to start catching things.  The collections can build up fairly quickly; the victims diverse. I was allowed to catch whatever I wanted.  And I did.  We kept aquariums of toads, cans of worms, jars of fireflies.  Every butterfly, hummingbird moth and even bumblebee (or so says my dad) would end up between my gentle fingers.  But it was all temporary.  Everything had to be returned.  Preferably alive.

My own children have been raised on both of these rules as well.  (Plus about a hundred more.)  They've always had early bedtimes and a catch and release mindset.  Early bedtime was easy to instill, but when my firstborn caught his first snake at age two I knew catch and release would have to be implemented right away as well.  He's always done fantastic with this rule.  I've never restricted him from catching anything.  I taught him about poisonous snakes early on, showed him how to hold a butterfly without damaging it's wings, and pretty much set him free on nature.  (Although not before giving him the definition of property lines.)

My daughter, only months younger, followed her older brother's lead.  She has a compassion toward living things as well--creepy crawlies and furry bodied creatures alike.  Nothing makes me prouder to see my girl be the one to "save" friends from buzzing intruders that set them on a screaming tirade.  She catches toads--usually to give to her brother--and can dig around in the dirt with the best of the boys.  Usually all while wearing a frilly dress and mascara.  I love this about my daughter.  She is not afraid.

My youngest is a little different.  He's always been a little more timid around animals.  This is partially his personality, part the lack of a close-in-age sibling to show him the ropes, part a lack of parental encouragement.  Not because we don't care, but because our lives are constantly evolving as the kids get older.  He's always been the kid to stomp on the ants and ask questions later.  Which, at times, horrifies me because my older two would have crouched down and talked to the ants directly.  And would have never stomped.  It's been a little harder teaching him to not react to nature like this.  I don't know why, but I equate that rash, impulsive behavior with pretty negative people.  I know.  These are just ants we're talking about.  I don't even like ants.  But when I see kids kill anything for no reason, I think it's sad.  Curiosity is natural; killing is taught.

We're still working on the impulse to stomp.   He does love animals--especially furry ones.   He wouldn't be ready for a pet at his age, like my oldest was, but he loves his brother's lizards and the family dog and he begs me for his own pet.  At times, I wish he'd been raised with the same exposure to nature as the other two, but location and other factors have made that experience a little different for him.

But last night, he did something that made me smile.

The kids were getting ready for bed.  Late, I might add.  (So much for that early bed rule)  The usual order is youngest to oldest and that's how they went through their routine.  After all three were upstairs, my oldest comes back down and says: "B caught a spider in a cup."  I had no idea why he needed to tell me this.  But then he called me into the bathroom and there on the rug was a little upside-down cup.  Apparently, my youngest was getting ready, spotted the eight-legger, covered it up so that he could finish getting ready for bed and then ran for cover.  And then told his brother that he left it downstairs.  For once, he didn't just smash it with the cup.  We caught it, and released it outside.

I know that some of you will read this and say; "It's a spider for crying out loud."  And that's fine.  Everyone has a different tolerance for bugs, spiders, bees and other annoying pests.  But consider for a moment that you were taught that fear.  You weren't born with it, it's generally unfounded, (unless you're my friend who was just bitten by a brown recluse--I'll give her a free pass) and it's so destructive.  Yes, I spray ants in my house, kill rogue wasps, and trap mice if necessary.  But try to teach your children to not react as soon as they see something fly by, help them crouch down and see the amazing intricacies of an ant mound, point out the brilliant colors on garden spiders, and let them know that even the least of these are important.
(Okay...so I could do without mosquitoes or ticks.  I may be a tree-hugger, but even I can't stand those.)

Parenting is such an interesting way of coming full-circle.  I look back on my laid-back lifestyle as a kid and I"m so very grateful.  Tis true, I've never had much regard for rules, however, I am not a destructive person and the catch and release law has definitely encouraged that.  It's also taught me that sometimes you have to let things go to enjoy them.  Not everything is meant to be within your grasp.

And, as for the early bed rule?  It just gave me more opportunities to dream.

New Experiences

My husband and I just came home from a fantastic, fifteen day adventure in Europe with about 100 high school students.  It was, by far, the best experience I've ever had.  At times I was exhausted and overwhelmed, but the sights were amazing.  The cultures and languages were enticing.  And there was beauty everywhere.  (There was also a lot of trash, but I'm going to scratch that part out of my brain.)

But this post isn't about our trip.  It's about our kids--because that's what this blog is about.  Each of our kids went their own way while we were gone.  Our oldest (few weeks shy of 13) took his first solo-flight to Florida.  Our daughter, 11, took a road trip to Rochester.  And our youngest, 7, traded off sleepovers with his cousins and grandparents in Pennsylvania.  Before we sent them off, the older two were excited and ready to leave.  The youngest was a bit apprehensive.  He'd had a few nights of tears, of checking, again, how long we'd be gone, and even wanted a calendar to check off the days Mom and Dad would be gone.  But when each departure day arrived--we staggered their sending off--they each handled it perfectly.  And when we returned, they each greeted us with open arms and plenty of their own stories.  There had been no tears the entire time.

This couldn't have pleased me more.  This little experience has given them not only intimate time with other family members, but independence and confidence in their own lives.  Just like navigating Europe showed me that international traveling is much more possible than I realized, I hope that their experiences showed them that leaving Mom and Dad is okay too.  That they can always come home, but that there is a whole world out there waiting to be explored.  I know they will look back on their little adventures with fondness.  I certainly reminisce on all the times I spent away from home with other family and how special those times were.  I am very grateful for the extended family we have who were willing to provide that time for our kids.  I'm sure it wasn't without bumps, but it was priceless.

Past Life

Do you ever look back on your childhood and wonder if it was all just a dream?  Sort through the images and wonder what was real and what wasn't?  I know I've posted about this before--my lack of memory, the lack of artifacts from my childhood; a lot of lacking.  The older my children get the more it hits me because the more I remember about being their age.  My oldest is almost thirteen, his chocolate brown eyes are nearly level with mine, and all I can think about is how his brain must be spinning with possibility, his body tormented by hormones, and his heart expanding on a daily basis.  I look at him and want to say; "I remember what it's like, kiddo."   But of course, he'd just pat my shoulder and say; "Sure Ma."

Tonight all three of my kids performed in a school play.  Each of them strut on stage with the confidence of an experienced entertainer--not perfect, but confident.  Lines were projected, some were flubbed, character was broken, but they smiled and laughed and carried on as though it was just another days work.  I was so proud of them for being fearless.  It's not easy to get on stage in front of all your peers, a packed audience, really bright lights.  But they did it--all three.  I never would have done it at any of their ages.  I did later--by 15 I was onstage and loving it, but for me it required giving up hopes of parental guidance and leaning on my own understanding of the world; that it was only going to be what I made it to be.  Once I made that decision, I had nothing to lose.   For my three, I hope it was a combination of parental influence and their own versions of taking on the world.  Regardless, I was so very proud.

In the audience was a frail woman in her late 80's (I'm guessing).  Her hair had the red tinge I remembered, and I hadn't been certain I'd recognize her, but I did.  My third grade teacher.  I knew she lived here in my neighborhood, but I hadn't yet run into her and I didn't even introduce myself at the play, but seeing her was like finding an artifact.  Proof.  She was proof that my past-life was real, that my childhood existed in some of the ways I remember it.  In her class, I was shoved in a garbage can by a classmate.  That's about all I actually remember about third grade.  That and her red hair.  Watching my kids play out the history of our town, seeing my third grade teacher, and sitting next to my beloved husband made me appreciate my past-life--that remembered and that not--but most of all be thankful for the current life I lead.  In reality, that's all that really matters.

Field Trip Tips

Yesterday I braved the quintessential elementary field trip to Ellis and Liberty Islands.  But before I tell you about my adventure, I want to give you a bit of background on my history of chaperoning.  Normally, I do not join my children on trips.  This is for two reasons: I am usually confident that the teachers and other parents will do a fine job of watching my kids and although I love taking my kids on little adventures, I don't particularly enjoy being under the itinerary of someone else.  Yes, I'm a little control-freakish that way. I like scheduled bathroom breaks, meal times and escape routes.  Call me crazy.  But now that my kids are in a new school and suddenly their field trips have upped it a few notches (there's a big difference between the Crayola Factory and Ellis Island), I decided to let my daughter convince me that I should go.  Bus rides, ferry rides, museums, a gigantic statue:  plenty of opportunity for my dear darling to wander off.  She's a delight on trips I've been told: enthusiastic and energetic, however, I know her propensity to wander and I wasn't taking the chance on this multi-level, mulit-grade trip.   I'm glad I made that choice.  Even though I am still steaming this morning from yesterday's heat, I'm glad I went.  And I've decided to compile a list of tips for those of you considering chaperoning or leading a trip--especially with elementary children.

Ellis Island opened in 1892 to an eventual twenty million immigrants.  Their stories of hardship and triumph and pain and rejection are throughout the building in a fantastic museum today.  My husband and I visited the museum years ago, so I'd already seen much of it, which was good because when you tour museums with eight to eleven year olds, they pretty much zoom past it all.  If they had reached the unit in history that taught about Ellis Island, perhaps they'd find the countless photographs and artifacts a bit more fascinating. (Perhaps it wouldn't matter.)  But they had not.  Tip #1:  Learn about the history of the place you are visiting before you take kids.  Perhaps even teach THEM some of the history prior to the trip.   Tell them little bits of info as you walk around.  Let them lead, but guide their learning.  So much was lost to everyone yesterday, and while I completely understand not all kids give a darn, the opportunity shouldn't have been completely passed up.    A couple of us moms asked the kids if they learned about this in history and one girl said: "Nah, we're still on the Revolutionary War."

When you have to usher small children from dock to boat or any other form of transportation, it has to be quick.  Especially these younger kids--our group was third to fifth grade--many of them who'd never been on a ferry, and were extremely excited.  We'd board the boat and then it became a free-for-all.  Now, I'm confident my daughter isn't going to jump overboard, but some of those eight year old boys--yikes!  I just about died when they started spitting over the edge of the rail.  They just about died when I yelled at them.  Tip #2: Always tell the kids where to go when moving from one place to another BEFORE you move.  If you are traveling in a large group pick a level on the boat and tell them to go there.  Or pick a room in the museum where you will meet.  Tell children what to do and where to go if they get lost.  I thought these were seemingly obvious, but just in case, I've now warned you.

Ever since 9/11, security measures have been implemented in both Ellis and Liberty Islands.  I should have realized this, but I'd forgotten and so the lines and the bins surprised me.  It was a pain in the butt, but these days you just deal with what's been handed.  The kids were fantastic.  Some of them even took off their shoes, clearly trained by the airports, but that wasn't necessary.  All possessions had to be placed in the bins and each kid had to walk through the system individually.  Tip #3: Have your group go ahead of you through security.  Tell them to gather their things and then wait for the rest of the group and the adults.

Security went smoothly for us until we went outside and were waiting for the ferry.  Something they take very seriously is unattended bags.  At one point we were waiting outside under the trees and an officer made us get up and move.  "We have a situation here, folks."  We got up and moved as he instructed, having no idea what was going on.  Then we see another officer walking off with one of our student's bags.  A chaperone tried to approach him, but he quickly waved her off and took the bag to the middle of the court.  We all had to wait until he deemed the bag safe and eventually one of the teachers had to put his name "in the book".  Tip #4: Don't leave anything unattended or your name will go down in the annals of Ellis Island security.   


While all of this was going on, a student had also been "lost".  I say that lightly, he was in the gift shop, the adult with him was virtually positive he hadn't left the gift shop.  The problem was the gift shop was like a cattle run.  Fortunately, my group listened to me. I told them to get in line and stick together and they did.  Tip#5: Little directions, every step of the way, are very helpful on class trips.  Kids don't want to get lost, but sometimes they get distracted--exactly what I was afraid my daughter would do.  She didn't, but this little boy was tough to find in the crowd and it was a little scary for a few minutes.  Of course, it's the adults who freak, he was totally fine.  "What?  I was in the gift shop!"

We ended up missing our ferry to Liberty Island and had to wait another forty minutes for the next boat.  Perhaps it was a little taste--very little--of the waiting all of the immigrants had to endure.  We stood in 99 degrees for forty minutes.  They were crammed into ships for a month.  The majority of immigrants came from Italy; one of the biggest cities being Naples, which is where my father's family is from.  They came in search of a better life with nothing but the clothes on their backs.  Sometimes they were returned home due to illness or inability, split from their families, but often they were sent on their way. They might have just enough money for a ticket to Chicago and there they started their new life.  I like to consider myself adventurous, a little-risk taker, but I don't know if I could have done what those families did.  Our little group from small-town NJ, sweltered in the heat, and it wasn't lost on me that many of us wouldn't even be sitting there if it hadn't been for the bravery of our ancestors.

The best part of the day was on the ferry approaching the statue.  On the bus ride, as the statue came into view the kids had flipped.  It was fantastic to hear them so excited about seeing it.  The wonder of little kids is  always a blessing. It reminds you of the importance of little things--which are really big things that we adults tend to forget.  As we approached the statue on the ferry, each and every student were rapt.  Cameras out, little chins tilted up, eyes wide: "It's HUGE!"   I enjoyed that moment a great deal.  It erased the craziness, the security, the immense crowds and all that mattered was how excited these kids were to see Lady Liberty.  Now walking up the steps to the pedestal overlook was another matter--not my favorite because I'm not keen on climbing to massive heights.  But overall worth it because the kids were so impressed.  Tip #6: Try to take on the perspective of those you chaperone.  They tend to make it much more fun.

In the end, it was a fantastic trip.  Not without error or a bit of discomfort, because what trip isn't?  It was easy for me to sit back and judge what should and should not have occurred, but I couldn't have planned a perfect experience either. This was made clear to me near the close of our visit.   Tip # 7: Leave room for the unexpected.  After our visit with the statue, I realized I was no longer carrying my lunch cooler.  I'd set it down to take some kids for drinks and it was not there when I returned.  So, I sent my kids ahead to the gift shop where the rest of the group was and I went back to inquire with a ranger.  I thought it odd when she insisted on walking me to the visitor's center, but went willingly.  It seemed odd again when the man behind the desk made me wait for an officer before he'd give me my lunch bag.  "What's in it?"  He asked.  I thought he was being sarcastic.  "Leftover sandwich", I joked.  But he still made me wait.  I felt like I was being detained.  After about five minutes, an officer finally came in.  He asked me the same questions the rangers had: Color of bag, contents.  I began to wonder why I seemed so suspicious.  Then he lifted up the bag and said: "Want to tell me what's in this?"  Disappointed, I realized it wasn't my bag they were holding ransom.  I had told them mine was purple, and this bag was clearly blue.  They didn't have mine after all.  And good thing, the officer said, because when we find this guy, he's getting a fine.  I scooted out of there quickly as I could.  I don't know what was in that bag, but they were not happy about it.  And as it turned out, another chaperone had picked up my bag for me.  So, I didn't lose it after all.  And my group enjoyed railing me about being "held" in the visitor's center.

Little experiences like this give kids a wealth of benefit.  Whether with a class or a group of moms and friends or just your own family, these opportunities show children the world around them.  They learn bits of history, current events, culture and how to behave in public.  They gain some independence by being allowed to spend their own money and learn how to interact with others in various environments.  And, perhaps most importantly, they have so much fun with their friends and make lasting memories together.  They will look back on their photos and laugh about the time they shared.  I'm happy to be able to be part of making that possible.

Swinging

When we recently moved, we left behind a lot of things.  We left a tractor, two swing sets, a pool, a deck and several acres of property.  We also left behind debt, a house we couldn't afford, a property we couldn't take care of, and a lot of stress.  But it's hard for kids to understand that or even see it at all.  All they know is what they miss, what they have, and what they left behind.  At our old house we had a little purple baby swing that we had purchased for my oldest when he was a baby.  He's now a couple months from 13, so that gives you an idea of how long the swing lasted.  Each of my three children used the baby swing and even though my youngest was six by the time we moved, all three kids still sat on that thing every day.  There's just something about swinging beneath the green umbrella of a tree.

When I was a little girl, I had a swing that hung from a metal pipe spanning the distance between two trees right next to the creek.  As I swung, I could watch my feet go up and over the water and imagine myself flying through the air and into the water.  Of course, the water was too shallow to actually do this, but I wished I'd been able to jump into it like that.  I spent countless hours on that swing, daydreaming, singing, making up stories, and purely swinging my day away.  And my children seemed to do the same.  At our house the swing didn't overlook a creek, but it did give them a vantage point of the acres that we had, the wildflowers, the little vernal pond, and the dog racing around chasing bumblebees.  In their minds (and sometimes mine, too) we gave up everything.

My youngest cried about the swing several times after we moved.  He'd mention his old bedroom or the big yard, but he'd cry about the swing.  My husband and I assure him that as soon as we are able to save up enough for a swing set we will buy one, but it may take a while as there are so many things to save up for and we are relatively new to this cash-only life.  (Going on three years now, but it's still an adjustment.)  So, for his birthday in February, I hoped to satiate his swing desire by purchasing a single swing that we could hang from the tree.  Since it was February, we didn't bother hanging it up right away and it got pushed to the side awaiting warmer weather.  Then spring arrived and we hung it up on a tree in the front yard near our driveway and basketball hoop.  We don't have a creek or a large yard to overlook, but we do have a lot of kids that come around and the main action is always in our driveway.

At first, he was only mildly impressed.  But as the days warmed up, so did he and now the swing has become the center of the activity once again--not only for him, but my daughter as well (as pictured above).  Even the oldest sits on it from time to time, when no one else is around, of course.  We still plan on saving for a swing set, but I'm thrilled at the amount of attention this dinky, disc swing receives.  And while my kids might be dreaming different dreams, I like to think that one day they will look back on the swing (any swing) with fond memories of becoming who they are.

The Yogurt Principle

When I was a little girl, the only yogurt my mother would buy was the kind with the fruit on the bottom.  I didn't think twice about stirring my snack until I realized there was a type of yogurt that was already blended.  Once I tried that little treat, there was no going back to yogurt I had to stir by hand, with all that jelly at the bottom--yuck!  But mom wouldn't budge.  Yoplait would not enter our home.  I'm not sure why she was so firm on this decision, but, like sugary cereals, it just was not going to happen in my lifetime.  At least until I was on my own and buying my own yogurt.  I'm sure you can imagine which type I splurged on.

Once I had my own kids, I was hooked on the blended version and so that is what I began buying for them.  Not always Yoplait, because of the sugar content, but nonetheless, blended was all I bought. Yogurt is a staple in our house, just like it was when I was a kid.  But then a few weeks ago, my oldest said to me: "Mom, you know what?  They make this kind of yogurt with fruit on the bottom, did you know that?  It's really good!"

I seriously had to bite my tongue.

The funny thing is, about 6 months ago, I switched back to the fruit on the bottom as well--a Greek yogurt that I buy only for myself.  So, today, I bought the kids' yogurts in blended AND fruit on the bottom.  My son was very pleased when he came home from school.  Which pleases me.  Who really cares what type of yogurt he eats.  It's better than most of the junk out there.

But it made me think.  This yogurt principle is quite common.  Parents instill countless values into their children, but sometimes I think we forget about the values that we instill indirectly.  There are many things my parents did that I vowed I'd never do; some things I swore I'd copy to a T.  In the end, not everything has played out the way I expected, even hoped, at times.

I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a mom.  I think that was because I loved my own mom so much.  She was the only stable thing in my wobbly childhood.  Through my young eyes, she was the best and I was going to emulate everything she was.  Of course, it didn't quite turn out like that.  I'm not my mom.  I couldn't possibly do the exact same things as her because I'm not her.  Nor does my adult life look anything like her's did.  It was an expectation I had to partially let go, but because of the values of motherhood she instilled in me, I value my role a great deal.  

On the other hand, sometimes the yogurt principle works in reverse--as it did with me and yogurt.  When I reached adolescence, although Mom was still my "model", I began to set my goals at creating a stable family unit.  A bit young compared to most, for sure, but I vowed that my adult life was going to be a "normal" family--not a crazy, broken family like I came from.  I knew I was choosing a stable, loving husband and I knew we were going to make it work no matter how hard it was.  We celebrate our 15th anniversary this August. And for those of you who know us, you know we are not exactly normal. We are very much opposites in a lot of ways. But, somehow, we work.

Yogurt is a silly thing to stand firm on.  As parents, and as adult children, we have to sift through the values that we truly want to instill in our kids and the things that can fall by the wayside.  It's different for every family, of course, but the principle is the same.  We make a big impact on our kids and it may turn out to be exactly the opposite of what we intended.  It can be scary, but sometimes it's a good thing. If I had followed the exact path of my parents...well, lets just say I could be in a very different place today.  And besides, who wants to be eating the same kind of yogurt generation after generation, anyway?